Yeah, bitches!

Here's a parenting blog post.  Sometimes my four year old gets serious logorrhea.  (Yea, look it it up mofo. )  some of you may judge me for this, and guess what?  Idgaf. Seriously.  My child was asking me question after question and then interrupting my answer with another question.  I told him that mommy needed a little quiet.  He sat and prattled on at the table while I listened to Terry Gross, and ya know what?   We both were happy.  

Do you think I would get in trouble for wearing these while driving the minivan?!  

Maybe I can blame being fat and happy for being such a terrible housewife?

This is from the Chive.  

GFY Martha Cooking School

I made breakfast....

I made lunch....

I wonder how many weight watchers points are left on that griddle.  At least two or three...

I also made dinner...

Come over, let me make you something delicious!

I Swear, I was just Caulking

So I was doing over the kids bathroom.  From the rum raisin colored walls to the old ass fan, it just needed doing.  The vanity and tub and counter were all pretty and in great shape - an easy and cheap refresh!   A minor consideration was the need to recaulk.  It was moldy and gross, but an easy fix.   

Day one

So whatever, there's just a tiny corner of the mold.  So I ripped out the old caulk, and no big deal.   Then I went to caulk.  Serious problems ensued.  

First of all, we have a caulk drawer because we have so many tubes of caulk.  Caulk hoarding is ill advised for a lot of reasons, but the main one being that no matter what precautions you take the half used tube will NEVER be useable again.  It's like trying to save a tube of super glue.  

We decided to purchase, use and hoard small tubes of caulk.  The perfect plan!   Except you can't use a caulk gun so my hands were like the claws of a bird of prey after about 5 minutes.  Also, one doesn't realize the amount of caulk that gets squeezed back behind those joints.   So I was left with an empty tiny tube, claws for hands and a whole lot more real estate to cover.  Sigh.  

Day two

Then I remembered the caulk drawer.  Surely we had the big tubes in there and a big ass caulk gun....  SCORE!   

Well, yes.  All caulk tubes, though unopened, were completely useless.  Maybe the 2005 expiration should have told me.

Day three

Off to the hardware store.   Learning from past errors and wanting to avoid my hoarding tendencies, I bought ONE tube of the right kind of caulk.  I felt so smart.  

I got home and was anxious to get started.   Aaannnd, my brand new tube of caulk was in the same fucking state as all of the tubes in the caulk drawer.  Cursing ensued.  

Day four

Back to the hardware store.  I felt brave and only bought one tube of caulk.  This caulk was not completely dried out, so I was in business.

I need to mention here that when I embark on these home improvement projects I have special clothes that I wear.  Mostly they are clothes that I wore in previous projects and ruined.  So we are on day fucking four of fucking shit ass paint clothes while I am running errands and shuttling children.  And just as an aside, I do always talk about how presentation matters to the kids.  Do as I say and not as I do, goddammit!

I was so happy to have working caulk I went a little ape shit.   Caulk kept coming out of the caulk gun after I pulled it away.  Oh yes, there was a release thing that I had to push....   And clean off the tip of the caulk gun on my sweatshirt because I only have two hands, dammit!  I caulked the rim by the tub and dutifully followed advice to fill the tub with water so the caulk wouldn't crack when the tub was filled.  Yay!  I caulked the top of the shower by the wall as well and kept that caulk tube tip clean by occasionally wiping it on my paint pants.   Giddy up!   Progress, sweet progress!  I could cleanup the overflow later.  

I decided to move on to the counter top.  I had already ripped out the old caulk.  I was armed with my working caulk gun and got down to business.  It wasn't five minutes later that I was done!   Mercifully done.  I needed to clean up some gobs and do the whole wet finger smooth it down shit, but woo fucking hoo. After four days of frustration, I had caulked.   I stepped back to admire my work.  

Fucking shit.  One of the only nice things in the room and I goofed it all up.   DIY home improvement the gfy Martha way.

Sitting on someone else's toilet seat is gross

We've been in this house for six months now.   Tomorrow, technically.  I've been meaning to switch out the toilet seats, because

Well, needless to say there were about a million things I'd rather spend a hundred bucks on rather than toilet seats....
Plus I wanted soft close and our toilets are off white.  Soooooo, six months later and here we are.  Fucking finally.   Seriously.  Disgusting. 

So- sorry to every person who came over and thought that the permanent yellow staining on the toilet seat might be ours, or worse that I knew it wasn't but hadn't noticed it or that perhaps I didn't care.  Here's the low down.  I did notice.  It did bother me.  It took me six months to do something about it, and that my friends is why it's a gfy Martha moment.  

Well, that was Exciting!

I am the absolute last person who should be messing with electricity.  Seriously.

Luckily, we found this great electrician (kind of sketchy on how official that title is) who knows what he is doing and does so fairly cheaply (that is the part that makes me feel suspicious about the title.)  So, for the most part, I let him do all of the stuff with the electric.  (Do you like how I said that just like your grandma might?  That's to emphasize how little business I have messing with it.) 

If you read here even occassionally, you know that I am OCD about weird things. For instance, the fact that the outlets in the old house were all almond colored really annoyed the shit out of me. So, I wanted to switch the outlets to new white ones. Well, Mr. Electrician man, switched about a third of them and then just broke down and taught me how to do it and some special tricks to do it correctly with fucking aluminum wiring, which if you don't have it, say a prayer of thanks, and if you do have it, I have the number for a great electrician.

So cut to the new house.

The run down dream house. 

Guess what color all the outlets are?  Yep, fucking almond.  And somehow all are filthy.  Like, how the fuck do you get goopy dirt all up in an outlet without killing yourself?? 
Anyways, this house has copper wiring. THANK GOD!  It's only about a million times easier to work with.  Even I could do this!

Well, yes.  I successfully replaced the outlets in my son's room and in the upstairs hallway as I painted. 

Here is a before




















Here is an after

See?  Such an ass I am!  The wretched brass and shiny wall plates had to go.  I considered just spray painting them all, but this being my dream house and all, I decided to spring for new oil rubbed bronze covers.  They look awesome, yes?


Well, let me tell you a little known secret.  Metal, specifically, oil rubbed bronze conducts electricity like a champ.  Like a champ, I say!  Did you know that a loose METAL outlet cover and a plug that's half in creates a very interesting situation? Trying to screw on the metal cover while having a plug half in with a live outlet may be a dipshit idea?  (An instance where one's laziness may even kill you?)  Did you know that electrical current can even cut metal?

Now you do and so do I.  Fuuuuuuck.

 

Yeah, yeah

I am actually doing something worthwhile this week...  Painting my sons room.  But I thought you may like to see how filthy the shower was when we moved in...

My Laverne "L" is thanks to the magic eraser.  Ew.
More about this shower later.