No words are needed

When you come over six months from now and there is a sticky spot by my pantry, at least you will know why.

Fucking Piles of Shit

I like to sew. I am super crappy at it because I have no patience and I absolutely fucking can't stand ironing. Well, there are many times I find bargain pants for $10 or less with the legs made for a person who isn't walking around on the legs of a fourth grader. Or possibly for someone who knows how to wear high heels. So my plan is always to hem them- which I honestly don't crap up too bad.
The problem is some of these clothes have been waiting to be hemmed for two years! Jesus, can you imagine what Martha would say? Honestly, I'm pretty sure some of these things don't even fit anymore!

Remember the Cork Board?

Do you? It only took only seven years for me to make after dragging bags of corks around for years.
I'm Back
Then, today, I decided to read the comics and ignore the deafening silence from little man.

An Oldie but a Goodie

Alrighty then.; It's been a while.  I have excuses coming out the ying yang.; Suffice it to say - two kids, summer, tons of travel. A three year old who is hell bent on destroying himself and everything else.

Anyhoo - this is a crafting fail that is old; This is before pinterest. (Maybe I haven't seen this crafting idea on pinterest for a reason.)

The idea came from Woman's Day or Family Circle or some other magazine that I hate admitting that I subscribe to.Here is the idea. Take some old glass jars - bell jars, other jars, etc and then put beads on them to make beautiful luminaries for the deck and yard; You use wire to string the beads festively about the jars and they are beautiful and lovely and magical and glowing.
Anyways, I took a lot of time and wrapped beautiful silver and blue beads around my jars.I took care with the jars to make sure they were interesting and varied shapes.(Yeah, that's a Pace jar. Big fucking deal.)

So I have had these fucking these hanging up and have used them a few times.I even bought the fake tea lights to go into them, so if we had such a magical evening inspired by the glowing, beautiful, handmade (by me!) lights they would not burn the damn deck and house down.

Well, need I say they got grimy and yucky from hanging outside and I was too damn lazy to take them down every time and then store them somewhere.They got dirty and gross.And they were ugly.So ugly that I got two separate people asking me if they were home made wasp traps. Fucking shit - can't they see the crafting genius at work in them?!?!

Easter eggs

Okey dokey. Easter was a while ago. I know it. We had a blast making eggs. We even had some weird ass eggs that came out naturally striped!! Cool!

This post should be interesting. I am writing it on my phone. It will be another example of how I make a mess of things, I think.
Anyways. I tried to make the fancy marbled eggs I've seen online. Yes. Pinterest.
The kids ones turned out. At least I didn't fuck theirs all up. Mine totally didn't work. Yes, a two year old was much better than me at making eggs. All is right with the world.

Hoarding

I just wanted to share that occasionally when I cook there is a serious cluster fuck that happens.
I end up cooking in the middle of an episode of hoarders.
Whatever, clean as ya go folks.
I know I'm in trouble when the four inch square cutting board has no room on the counter.  And the worst part is that I get more and more pissed off as I go; but stopping to clean up - not until I'm done cooking.  Which means crab ass mom.

Bon Appetit!

Motherfucking shit!

So another clever idea from Pinterest.  Fucking Pinterest.  (Yes, that is it's real name.  Pinterest.  Fucking pinterest.)
Soooo  we love bubbles around here.  At least the two kids love fucking bubbles.  I'm not sure why the little one does - he ends up eating a lot of bubbles and swallowing the solution instead of blowing a bubble.  It makes me feel sick to my stomach just thinking of it.
Anyways - inevitably, tons of bubble solution ends up being spilled on the deck.  I've tried the "spill-less" buckets.  My ass.  The kid can't get the wand into the bucket because the slot is tiny, and he ends up putting rocks, etc into there and ruining the bubbles anyway.  Then his mission becomes to shake it and hold it and figure out how to take the top off to get the bubbles out.
He prefers the bubble guns but pouring the bubbles into the trays means that a half a gallon of bubbles is gone in one refill attempt.  (Don't start with me about refilling the bubbles for him  - the explanations are lengthy and would be baloney anyway.  I need a rest dammit.)
Anyways...

I came across this gem.


















I decided to try it.
When I found the ice tea jugs - they were like $30.  And glass.  I make some dumb mistakes, but even I know better than that.  Also, I needed a screw on lid, not one that just rests on top.
Shazam!  I found the perfect one at Big Lots.   And it was $3.   I love Big Lots.  (What the hell?  I know it's a bunch of crap, but I love it anyway.)  Then I had my 6 year old try to push the button on it.  Well, she could not - so there was no way that the almost 3 year old could.  Shitballs.

Then I found another one for $10.  Problems.  It was glass.

 It had a set on top instead of one that screwed on.  I figured I could do a win/win and buy the glass one for myself for parties and the $3 one for the kids for bubbles.   My poor 6 year old.  I plopped myself in the middle of the aisle with the drink containers.  I then proceeded to take the nozzles off of them to make sure that they would fit on the other one.  She was mortified and wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to just trade the nozzles and buy one and not the other.  (I guess I am doing something right if that mattered to her.  Phew.)  It worked!  I bought them both and some dixie cups to fill with bubble solution.

Yes, I don't understand the cow on there.  And yes, these photos were taken after I had changed the spigots.

So this entry is one part stick it to the man.  Target can suck it.  I got what I wanted for less than the $150 that I would have spent going to Target.  (no, I have not mastered the impulse purchasing there.)

Here is the epic fail part.  The almost three year old doesn't really give a shit what is in the jug with the cool faucet part.  His mission is ALWAYS to completely empty it.  (facepalm)  sigh.