Hoarding

I just wanted to share that occasionally when I cook there is a serious cluster fuck that happens.
I end up cooking in the middle of an episode of hoarders.
Whatever, clean as ya go folks.
I know I'm in trouble when the four inch square cutting board has no room on the counter.  And the worst part is that I get more and more pissed off as I go; but stopping to clean up - not until I'm done cooking.  Which means crab ass mom.

Bon Appetit!

Motherfucking shit!

So another clever idea from Pinterest.  Fucking Pinterest.  (Yes, that is it's real name.  Pinterest.  Fucking pinterest.)
Soooo  we love bubbles around here.  At least the two kids love fucking bubbles.  I'm not sure why the little one does - he ends up eating a lot of bubbles and swallowing the solution instead of blowing a bubble.  It makes me feel sick to my stomach just thinking of it.
Anyways - inevitably, tons of bubble solution ends up being spilled on the deck.  I've tried the "spill-less" buckets.  My ass.  The kid can't get the wand into the bucket because the slot is tiny, and he ends up putting rocks, etc into there and ruining the bubbles anyway.  Then his mission becomes to shake it and hold it and figure out how to take the top off to get the bubbles out.
He prefers the bubble guns but pouring the bubbles into the trays means that a half a gallon of bubbles is gone in one refill attempt.  (Don't start with me about refilling the bubbles for him  - the explanations are lengthy and would be baloney anyway.  I need a rest dammit.)
Anyways...

I came across this gem.


















I decided to try it.
When I found the ice tea jugs - they were like $30.  And glass.  I make some dumb mistakes, but even I know better than that.  Also, I needed a screw on lid, not one that just rests on top.
Shazam!  I found the perfect one at Big Lots.   And it was $3.   I love Big Lots.  (What the hell?  I know it's a bunch of crap, but I love it anyway.)  Then I had my 6 year old try to push the button on it.  Well, she could not - so there was no way that the almost 3 year old could.  Shitballs.

Then I found another one for $10.  Problems.  It was glass.

 It had a set on top instead of one that screwed on.  I figured I could do a win/win and buy the glass one for myself for parties and the $3 one for the kids for bubbles.   My poor 6 year old.  I plopped myself in the middle of the aisle with the drink containers.  I then proceeded to take the nozzles off of them to make sure that they would fit on the other one.  She was mortified and wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to just trade the nozzles and buy one and not the other.  (I guess I am doing something right if that mattered to her.  Phew.)  It worked!  I bought them both and some dixie cups to fill with bubble solution.

Yes, I don't understand the cow on there.  And yes, these photos were taken after I had changed the spigots.

So this entry is one part stick it to the man.  Target can suck it.  I got what I wanted for less than the $150 that I would have spent going to Target.  (no, I have not mastered the impulse purchasing there.)

Here is the epic fail part.  The almost three year old doesn't really give a shit what is in the jug with the cool faucet part.  His mission is ALWAYS to completely empty it.  (facepalm)  sigh.

Yeah, It's more Pinterest Crap

So all winter we were waiting for a snow day to bake cookies.  Specifically, cute as hell melting snow man cup cakes.

Well, no fucking snow day.
So we made them on the first day of spring instead.  I guess that was more appropo anyways.
So dumb ass me, of course I don't bother to actually read the recipe before I pin it or promise to make it with the kids...
The cookie dough requires a trip into the fridge FUCKING OVERNIGHT!  Talk about a joykill.  That was a lot of fun..  Yay kids, we can make the dough today and then make the actual cookies tomorrow.

 You would think I would change this habit of not reading a recipe until I actually make the recipe instead of planning ahead, but no.
SOOOOOO, we make the cookie dough and then today we bake the cookies and decorate them.
It was fun.
However, you should know that sometimes I suck so bad at making stuff that I can even screw up other people's stuff.
My poor kids.
The icing was too runny to decorate with and they really looked melting.

Well, this one was the two year old's fault.

Fucking Pinterest.

Pinterest.  What the hell, people?  Fucking pinterest - such a goddamn time suck and if I thought that Martha misled me and made my inner critic even worse.  GFY, Pinterest, GFY...
Honestly at least Pinterest has a pretty good sense of humor, but still.
I saw a recipe on there for a home made cleaning product.  I know that if you have EVER been on pinterest you will be deeply fucking shocked that there are cleaning recipes on there....

Anyhow.  We have kind of hard water here and I really clean the showers about once every two weeks. If you are here to judge, GFY. (The basement shower my husband uses - I've cleaned it two times...  He's been using that shower for at least a year.  He's a boy, he doesn't care and I don't ever use it, so I don't care.)

Anyways, the recipe is for a shower cleaner.  It calls for 1 cup vinegar heated until holy hell and 1 cup blue Dawn dish detergent.

Any veteran of these stupid ass home made cleaning products knows why Mr. Fucking Clean is still in business.  Half the time you use up all your damn vinegar and you either break your damn arm scrubbing or it just doesn't work or both.  If I wanted to use god damn elbow grease, I wouldn't be such a fan of chemistry.

That being said, I do freak out a little every time I clean the bathroom with Lime Away or similar and then everything has a weird chemical flavor for 36 hours.  Chemistry is good, chemistry burning my insides, well, I'm not such a big fan.

I thought I'd give this home made recipe a try.  And it worked!  It really fucking worked. 

Why the hell am I writing about this then?  This is a blog reserved strictly for failures....  Hmmm, can you spot the epic fail here?  Can you predict the two problems that this cheap and effective home made shower cleaner may have?

I am such a moron.  It wasn't until I had the entire shower sprayed down that it occurred to me that fucking Dawn suds and suds and suds and suds and suds and suds and when you think it will finally stop being bubbly, it fucking gives you the bird of suds and can take a fucking month to rinse off.  I thought, well shit, this is going to take a year to get off.  It did.

Next unexpected problem - vinegar inhalation.  Now, don't get me wrong, I would much rather inhale vinegar than phosphoric acid. (Well, wait a fucking minute.  Coke has phosphoric acid in it. Yes, the same shit that burns lime off my shower is also in my drink. Yes, yes, different concentrations, but still, that can't be good for you.  I wish there was a word that expressed someone just shaking their head no with their eyes closed with that feeling of being screwed seven ways til Sunday.  fuck.)

I wonder if there is a difference between inhaling acetic acid (vinegar) and phosphoric acid (lime away) or if my poor lungs look like the insides of rotten pumpkins either way.  Sigh.

Growing a Baby is Making Stuff - Right?

I say this with no sarcasm that I am so thankful to finally see a celebrity that looks pregnant - and I feel for her that she has to go out and show everyone her big-ness as she is approaching her delivery date.
For anyone who hates on her, first of all, she is 5'2", and second of all I wonder how much of her weight gain is in her boobs.  Seriously.  Her poor boobs...

I just had to discuss, because I was GINORMOUS when pregnant and am so happy to see a pregnant lady who is also ginormous.
I have to say, I did not suck at growing babies.  Giant, healthy, beautiful babies.  Thank god for cesareans.

More Paint Hate

Alright...
Here is the finished room.  It's been finished a while.  I haven't made shit.  I've been making hot dogs for dinner and not doing any kind of craftiness at all. 
Haters can suck it.  I had to clean my goddamn house.  REALLY clean my house.  It's a long story that is mortifying so I'll be posting about it soon.
Anyhoo - here is the lovely room all painted...

It turned out pretty well - and goes better with the rug than the mint green did. 
I just wanted to share more of the fallout from this project.

Are you asking yourself where the cream carpet is in that nice blue room?  There is no cream carpet in that fucking room.  Somehow I managed to track a huge splotch of paint all the way into the living room. This, I noticed.
This next one, I did not...  A friend spotted it today...

Yeah, I don't know how I did that either.  If you know how my house is laid out you would know how much raw talent it would take to track that much paint that far down the hall and around the corner - 
Maybe it's from the string on my hoodie that I managed to dip into the paint....
I don't know, but I know that you are jealous of my mad skills....
(Holes in the wall?  What?)
And to think that one of my friends couldn't understand why I would possibly need one of those tyveck haz mat suits in all my painting crap....

I fucking hate painting.

Sigh.  I forgot how much I hate to paint a room.  It fucking sucks.  From the tedious prep work through to the clean up.
If you know anything about me, you know that I am a weird combo of a perfectionist and a lazy ass.  So I am looking for reasons that I can't do a job and normally it's because of abnormally high standards.  I am also ALWAYS looking for a good short cut....
First of all, the room I was painting had issues.  It was previously a minty light green and was last painted before our daughter was born - so over 6 years ago.  The previous owners had EVERY surface in this house covered in wall paper.  To top it off, when we removed the wall paper, some of the walls were smooth and some were textured.  So skim coating was a must. 
So this was the second time around for skim coating - which if you don't know what skim coating  is, be thankful and just know it means DUST.  The kind of dust that is so tiny it will break your fucking vacuum, the kind of dust that gets into your ears and mouth and under your fingernails.

Here's a taste of that dust I was talkng about - and this is after I ruined a vacuum with it.  (Ok, in all honesty, I ruined this vacuum with that kind of dust a while ago... and the white streaks are not dust it's like chalk marks from the dust...)



 My husband was nice enough to keep the kids out of my hair.  I spent ALL damn day doing this. Normally the weekends for me mean actually sitting on my ass and enjoying it - so actually doing something for the house was a bit of a stretch.  The mess was kind of overwhelming - I stopped and decided to take a photo after all the painting was done, especially because the job wasn't done.

 It was at this point that I just wanted to fucking stop - but had to put the room back together...
Keep in mind that my laziness created more work for me, because I spent the entire day stepping over this pile of crap.

One would think that when I realized this at the start of the job, that I would have picked the shit up off the floor - but no. 

I'm actually surprised that it wasn't a bigger disaster because I didn't do any kind of taping.  What a waste of time.  I hate taping and then the paint seeps under it anyways because I always have a false sense of security with tape and go apeshit painting.

Sooo I had drips that needed to be washed up - and the number of times I did this meant that the rag became saturated and ended up leaving a white paint haze on the floor.  I don't fuck around with the wood floors, so I ended up washing and scrubbing them with a brush ala Cindrella to make sure all of the film was off.  (I even sang "Sing sweet nightingale!  Ahhhhhhl around you" while scrubbing.)

Phew.  All done.  Like I said.  I fucking hate painting.  I didn't even go into all the weird blobs, drips etc. that I was left with - not to mention what a crap job the trim ended up being.  Whatever.  It's done.  The room is fucking blue and not green.