Remember the Cork Board?

Do you? It only took only seven years for me to make after dragging bags of corks around for years.
I'm Back
Then, today, I decided to read the comics and ignore the deafening silence from little man.

An Oldie but a Goodie

Alrighty then.; It's been a while.  I have excuses coming out the ying yang.; Suffice it to say - two kids, summer, tons of travel. A three year old who is hell bent on destroying himself and everything else.

Anyhoo - this is a crafting fail that is old; This is before pinterest. (Maybe I haven't seen this crafting idea on pinterest for a reason.)

The idea came from Woman's Day or Family Circle or some other magazine that I hate admitting that I subscribe to.Here is the idea. Take some old glass jars - bell jars, other jars, etc and then put beads on them to make beautiful luminaries for the deck and yard; You use wire to string the beads festively about the jars and they are beautiful and lovely and magical and glowing.
Anyways, I took a lot of time and wrapped beautiful silver and blue beads around my jars.I took care with the jars to make sure they were interesting and varied shapes.(Yeah, that's a Pace jar. Big fucking deal.)

So I have had these fucking these hanging up and have used them a few times.I even bought the fake tea lights to go into them, so if we had such a magical evening inspired by the glowing, beautiful, handmade (by me!) lights they would not burn the damn deck and house down.

Well, need I say they got grimy and yucky from hanging outside and I was too damn lazy to take them down every time and then store them somewhere.They got dirty and gross.And they were ugly.So ugly that I got two separate people asking me if they were home made wasp traps. Fucking shit - can't they see the crafting genius at work in them?!?!

Easter eggs

Okey dokey. Easter was a while ago. I know it. We had a blast making eggs. We even had some weird ass eggs that came out naturally striped!! Cool!

This post should be interesting. I am writing it on my phone. It will be another example of how I make a mess of things, I think.
Anyways. I tried to make the fancy marbled eggs I've seen online. Yes. Pinterest.
The kids ones turned out. At least I didn't fuck theirs all up. Mine totally didn't work. Yes, a two year old was much better than me at making eggs. All is right with the world.

Hoarding

I just wanted to share that occasionally when I cook there is a serious cluster fuck that happens.
I end up cooking in the middle of an episode of hoarders.
Whatever, clean as ya go folks.
I know I'm in trouble when the four inch square cutting board has no room on the counter.  And the worst part is that I get more and more pissed off as I go; but stopping to clean up - not until I'm done cooking.  Which means crab ass mom.

Bon Appetit!

Motherfucking shit!

So another clever idea from Pinterest.  Fucking Pinterest.  (Yes, that is it's real name.  Pinterest.  Fucking pinterest.)
Soooo  we love bubbles around here.  At least the two kids love fucking bubbles.  I'm not sure why the little one does - he ends up eating a lot of bubbles and swallowing the solution instead of blowing a bubble.  It makes me feel sick to my stomach just thinking of it.
Anyways - inevitably, tons of bubble solution ends up being spilled on the deck.  I've tried the "spill-less" buckets.  My ass.  The kid can't get the wand into the bucket because the slot is tiny, and he ends up putting rocks, etc into there and ruining the bubbles anyway.  Then his mission becomes to shake it and hold it and figure out how to take the top off to get the bubbles out.
He prefers the bubble guns but pouring the bubbles into the trays means that a half a gallon of bubbles is gone in one refill attempt.  (Don't start with me about refilling the bubbles for him  - the explanations are lengthy and would be baloney anyway.  I need a rest dammit.)
Anyways...

I came across this gem.


















I decided to try it.
When I found the ice tea jugs - they were like $30.  And glass.  I make some dumb mistakes, but even I know better than that.  Also, I needed a screw on lid, not one that just rests on top.
Shazam!  I found the perfect one at Big Lots.   And it was $3.   I love Big Lots.  (What the hell?  I know it's a bunch of crap, but I love it anyway.)  Then I had my 6 year old try to push the button on it.  Well, she could not - so there was no way that the almost 3 year old could.  Shitballs.

Then I found another one for $10.  Problems.  It was glass.

 It had a set on top instead of one that screwed on.  I figured I could do a win/win and buy the glass one for myself for parties and the $3 one for the kids for bubbles.   My poor 6 year old.  I plopped myself in the middle of the aisle with the drink containers.  I then proceeded to take the nozzles off of them to make sure that they would fit on the other one.  She was mortified and wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to just trade the nozzles and buy one and not the other.  (I guess I am doing something right if that mattered to her.  Phew.)  It worked!  I bought them both and some dixie cups to fill with bubble solution.

Yes, I don't understand the cow on there.  And yes, these photos were taken after I had changed the spigots.

So this entry is one part stick it to the man.  Target can suck it.  I got what I wanted for less than the $150 that I would have spent going to Target.  (no, I have not mastered the impulse purchasing there.)

Here is the epic fail part.  The almost three year old doesn't really give a shit what is in the jug with the cool faucet part.  His mission is ALWAYS to completely empty it.  (facepalm)  sigh.

Yeah, It's more Pinterest Crap

So all winter we were waiting for a snow day to bake cookies.  Specifically, cute as hell melting snow man cup cakes.

Well, no fucking snow day.
So we made them on the first day of spring instead.  I guess that was more appropo anyways.
So dumb ass me, of course I don't bother to actually read the recipe before I pin it or promise to make it with the kids...
The cookie dough requires a trip into the fridge FUCKING OVERNIGHT!  Talk about a joykill.  That was a lot of fun..  Yay kids, we can make the dough today and then make the actual cookies tomorrow.

 You would think I would change this habit of not reading a recipe until I actually make the recipe instead of planning ahead, but no.
SOOOOOO, we make the cookie dough and then today we bake the cookies and decorate them.
It was fun.
However, you should know that sometimes I suck so bad at making stuff that I can even screw up other people's stuff.
My poor kids.
The icing was too runny to decorate with and they really looked melting.

Well, this one was the two year old's fault.

Fucking Pinterest.

Pinterest.  What the hell, people?  Fucking pinterest - such a goddamn time suck and if I thought that Martha misled me and made my inner critic even worse.  GFY, Pinterest, GFY...
Honestly at least Pinterest has a pretty good sense of humor, but still.
I saw a recipe on there for a home made cleaning product.  I know that if you have EVER been on pinterest you will be deeply fucking shocked that there are cleaning recipes on there....

Anyhow.  We have kind of hard water here and I really clean the showers about once every two weeks. If you are here to judge, GFY. (The basement shower my husband uses - I've cleaned it two times...  He's been using that shower for at least a year.  He's a boy, he doesn't care and I don't ever use it, so I don't care.)

Anyways, the recipe is for a shower cleaner.  It calls for 1 cup vinegar heated until holy hell and 1 cup blue Dawn dish detergent.

Any veteran of these stupid ass home made cleaning products knows why Mr. Fucking Clean is still in business.  Half the time you use up all your damn vinegar and you either break your damn arm scrubbing or it just doesn't work or both.  If I wanted to use god damn elbow grease, I wouldn't be such a fan of chemistry.

That being said, I do freak out a little every time I clean the bathroom with Lime Away or similar and then everything has a weird chemical flavor for 36 hours.  Chemistry is good, chemistry burning my insides, well, I'm not such a big fan.

I thought I'd give this home made recipe a try.  And it worked!  It really fucking worked. 

Why the hell am I writing about this then?  This is a blog reserved strictly for failures....  Hmmm, can you spot the epic fail here?  Can you predict the two problems that this cheap and effective home made shower cleaner may have?

I am such a moron.  It wasn't until I had the entire shower sprayed down that it occurred to me that fucking Dawn suds and suds and suds and suds and suds and suds and when you think it will finally stop being bubbly, it fucking gives you the bird of suds and can take a fucking month to rinse off.  I thought, well shit, this is going to take a year to get off.  It did.

Next unexpected problem - vinegar inhalation.  Now, don't get me wrong, I would much rather inhale vinegar than phosphoric acid. (Well, wait a fucking minute.  Coke has phosphoric acid in it. Yes, the same shit that burns lime off my shower is also in my drink. Yes, yes, different concentrations, but still, that can't be good for you.  I wish there was a word that expressed someone just shaking their head no with their eyes closed with that feeling of being screwed seven ways til Sunday.  fuck.)

I wonder if there is a difference between inhaling acetic acid (vinegar) and phosphoric acid (lime away) or if my poor lungs look like the insides of rotten pumpkins either way.  Sigh.