Baked Bacon

Well, well.  I tried to bake some bacon - which if you don't know how to do this yet, for the love of all things holy I will tell you - this is something worth knowing.

Take a jelly roll pan - you know, it looks like this.

Source

Is this something worth knowing? - the difference between a jelly roll pan and a cookie sheet?    Sometimes all these fancy names for stuff well, it's just another way for the cogiscienti to make you feel like crap.  Don't let them.  Fuck them.  It's a cookie sheet with sides - which if you tried to bake bacon with a cookie sheet like this...

you'd have your oven smoking like there was a fire - which there might be with all that fucking grease everywhere.  But my job here is to be the dumbass here, never to make you feel like one.   So please don't let me. (BTW, my oven was smoking so bad 2 weeks ago when we had friends for a playdate that I had to open a window.  It really looked like I needed to call the fire department.) So on we go.

So when you bake bacon, it's awesome, because the bacon turns out perfect and you don't have to babysit it and there is no grease splatters all over your cooktop and there is no flabby microwave bacon.  BEST. METHOD.  EVER.

Source: the irony of the fact that this JollyMom.com calls her post
"Oven Baked Bacon:  Perfectly Crisp Every Time" is not lost on me.  

So you basically fill a jelly roll pan with bacon, throw it in the oven at 425 degrees and check on it starting after 10-15 minutes, depending on how ballsy you are and how willing to play chicken with your bacon you are.
Well, I had a great idea that I would bake bacon while making beds and doing a few things on the computer.  Guess what?!  Our fucking hated printer wouldn't work, then our computer had issues and about an hour later my "Perfectly Crisp Every Time" bacon looked like this.  Sigh.  What a waste.

Perfectly Crisp for who?  Lucifer?

It's Officially Happened to Me!

So if you remember from a while back - I posted about how I wanted a Honda Odyssey and it fucked me up so bad to admit that I wanted a god damned mini van I didn't post for almost two years.  Seriously.

link for this gem
This is really how I felt about it all.  And then I remembered, "Oh yes, I am the mother..."  Quickly followed by, "Oh shit." 
Well, let's start off by saying, I am not mature enough to be married, let alone have kids.  (I'm not mature enough to have a real job either, which is part of why staying at home works well for me!)  I for sure am not mature enough to have a fucking minivan!  But it was what I really wanted - and I looked desperately for a way to make it driveable through irony.
  I thought about doing something drastic to try to make it cooler - but you can see how this idea just fucking totally backfires.  Really, what the fuck were these people thinking?  It looks like a goddamn hoover.

Website for image

Then I was thinking that a funny sticker might do it.  Something like 2Fast2Furious might have worked - but didn't really suit me.  I also considered "I am Stig,"  but really, my husband enjoys Top Gear way more than I do, even though it was funny.  I then thought maybe some cool vanity plates.  After months and months of racking our brains, my husband came up with this....

And that sums it up perfectly!  I can have my van and love it too!

Yucatan Shrimp -

On first glance this may look like a win.  Let me assure you, it is not.

 This is from someone else's website - but you can see why I'd like to make this...

We used to have a fancy dinner at home for Christmas Eve in years past - and for the past few years other plans made it so that wasn't possible.  Until this year!

Well, my family makes the most butter laden and rich Christmas Eve feast called "fish dinner."  It originated, I think, as an edict from the church to fast on Christmas Eve and have no red meat.  Well, if anybody could figure out how to make a fast night into a feast night, it would be us Italians.  (I've always said that I am one of the few people I know who can make a salad into something very very bad for you.)

Anyways - there was no way in hell I was going to make anything that was on the menu for fish dinner - which includes crablegs, lobster thermidore, fish, anchovy spaghetti, calamari and a dessert. (I seriously think I left something out.)  But I wanted something similar - so I chose to make Yucatan Shrimp.  This is a recipe from a place in Florida called Doc's and oh my freaking lord is it delicious!  I decided to make it using the following recipe.

Yucatan Shrimp

4 tablespoons unsalted butter

1 large clove garlic, minced  (maybe more?!)

Juice of two large limes

1 tablespoon Indonesian sambal (preferably sambal oelek, by Huy Fong, though sriracha will work as well)

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste

1 pound large, fresh, shell-on shrimp

1 teaspoon jalapeño, seeded and chopped (optional)   (Use chiles instead)

2 tablespoons chopped cilantro.

1. In a small saucepan set over low heat, melt 1 tablespoon of butter. Add the garlic and cook, stirring for 2 minutes.

2. Add remaining 3 tablespoons butter to saucepan. When it melts, stir in the lime juice, chili sauce, salt and pepper. Turn off the heat and allow the sauce to rest.

3. Bring a large pot of well-salted water to a boil. Add the shrimp and cook for 2 minutes or until they are just firm and pink. Do not overcook. Drain into a colander and shake over the sink to remove excess moisture.

4. In a large bowl, toss the shrimp and chili sauce. Add jalapeño, if desired, sprinkle with cilantro and toss again.   Serve with crunchy French bread.  Serves 4, messily. Adapted from Greg Nelson at Doc Ford’s Sanibel Rum Bar and Grille, Sanibel Island, Fla. 

Well, well.  Seems simple enough.  I gathered my ingredients and after a last minute run to the store for cilantro - which I had accidentally bought parsley - I was all set.  I was even able to find the Sambal Oelek - which yes, I was impressed too!  I followed the recipe EXACTLY.

And it turned out beautiful for our fancy ass dinner.  Look at that!  I felt so proud of myself - which is normally a sign of impending disaster.  (yes, I had to make it super big, because it is so pretty!)

And yes.  There was a surprise lurking.  If you know me, you know I don't cook, and you also know that I NEVER cook seafood.  So I didn't clean the poop vein out of the shrimp.  Yep.  It was a
shrimp-poop-a-palooza.  Disgusting and ruined our dinner.  Trying to get all the shit out of the shrimp while eating them, yes, well it was too much for me as well.

                                                             site for pic
Fucking Gross. Next time, I will know because I am putting it in the god damned recipe to clean the fuckers for other people like me who need all the steps laid out for them.  

Again with the Pinterest

So I am always fantasizing on Pinterest.  Oohhh - I should totally make this...  I could actually sew that project...  Anyways, there was a pin about taking strawberries and drying them in the oven.

 Now - don't those look good?!?  The directions were to bake them in the oven at 210 for three hours after slicing them in half or quarters depending on the size.  Here's a link to the pin.Strawberry Drying Recipe
I should have been suspicious when I saw the difficulty rating was "Easy."    I should have known something was up from the picture.  Do those berries look like they were cut in pieces to you?!?!  

Here are mine.

Can I tell you a few things?  First of all these little mofos look A LOT better in this photo than in person aaand - motherfucking shit = when you dry stuff it just makes it more concentrated.  Sweet Berries = candy like fruit.  Sour Berries = holy mouth puckering, dude.  Plus they were slimy as hell.  Disgusting.  And even more I dried these in the oven for over four hours.  (It was butt ass cold - so it was nice to have a hot oven for that long - and nice to have an excuse to not be able to cook dinner, but still.)


Fucking sour ass berries.  They sucked and the recipe is a bunch of bull shit.  Once again, it's like the sewing mom blogs where they leave out vital parts of the recipe/directions as a way to thwart anyone trying to replicate their success.  GFY MARTHAS!!!

Oh!   I found something that makes me feel so much better!! I did a google search and here you go -     Allison from Polka Dot and Paisley who btw makes stuff and then actually SELLS it also could not get this little project to work!  YAY!   It's not just a problem with me!!  It's a problem with the stupid ass recipe!   She stuck with it for 8 hours to try to dry those damn berries!   8 HOURS!  In the summer!!  With no air!!

The Truth about How to Fix Your Cracked Heels

I love this post.  I hate this post.  I am going to discuss something utterly repulsive. Totally gross.  Way too much information to share - but I have to because no one else is. Please be forewarned.  As my gross out levels rise I will definitely be cussing more and more as well.  This big space is intentional so that you can leave before viewing any disgusting pictures - if you want.  It's not like dismembered bodies or anything.  But it is gross.
















After a long summer of polish after pedicure, I decided to take off my toenail polish to give my nails a breather.  Well, imagine my horror when I saw this...

Okay, so those aren't my toenails...  You seriously can't blame me for not taking photos of my parasite infested toes...  I felt shame.  But the one on the right is about what my big toe fucking looked like.
My heart about dropped through the floor.  I was disgusted...

So I immediately went to the drug store and got this...

Are you like me?  Does that image on the box lead you to believe that this is a product to get rid of toenail fungus?  Yes, well it's not.  In tiny print on the inside it says it can't penetrate the nail.  Hmm.  Fucking assholes.

I used an emory board to file off all of the fungus infected nail.  The good news was that it was not so infected that the fungus had penetrated beneath the nail.  THANK THE FUCKING LORD!  I think I would have to kill myself if I had fungus feet.  Seriously disturbing to me.  So disturbing that I am taking mercy on your soul and not including any pictures of them.  Because they scare the crap out of me.  Even before all of this....

Anyways...here is where things get interesting.  My heels have been cracked and yucky looking for at least 15 years.  I figured that it was part of getting older and grosser, like the whole older = harrier thing.   About 5 years ago, my toes even started to crack.  These aren't my feet, but this was about my level of cracking...

Not too terribly gross.  Because god forbid you do a google image search for this shit.  I am about ready to barf.  I feel so sorry for any poor soul who really has terrible cracks in their feet that bleed.  And people are fucking wrong about why it happens - because it's not fucking dry skin people!!!

 After filing my nails 2x a day for a week and applying the fungi cure on the nails and around the nails I had the weirdest surprise.  I got out of the shower and was drying my toes super carefully.  I proceeded to peel the skin off of my toes like peeling a hard boiled egg.  I shit you not.  So satisfying and so disgusting.

I immediately called my poor, long suffering husband and told him that I thought that the cracking on my feet was caused by fungus, not dry feet.  I also told him that I was going to do a test and start putting my fungi cure all over my feet to see if it took care of the cracks.  (I then did some research on google that backed up this theory.  Okay, hypothesis for the science nerds who are reading this.)

Guess what??  I was fucking right.  I am so pissed off at all the stupid pins that are like - just put lotion on and use a pumice.  Or soak your heels in vinegar and then pumice them.  (BTW, I did that about 10 years ago and never EVER do that.  The acid in the vinegar can over-dissolve your callouses and skin and it is fucking PAINFUL.)  So even though I was too disgusted with myself to take any before pictures, I do want to share my after photos.  They aren't perfect, but hot damn, these feet haven't looked this good since I was 18.  These photos were taken after a shower, with no lotion or any kind of anything on my feet.

 See?  The white looking areas are parts where I think that there is fungus still.

 As you can see - my callouses are still there.  They just aren't white and crusty looking.  The cracks like almost turned themselves inside out - and my feet were definitely warmer during this process.  And to think that so many people are gooping lotion over flakey skin that is half fungus anyway.

BTW, if somebody says your heel cracks are from flip flops - my ass they are.  It's from NOT wearing flip flops in the shower.  So don't rip on me when you see me at the pool wearing these.

What the fuck?!?

Dude. Don't let me back up your new fucking car. I wish someone would have stopped me from backing up my new car. Motherfucking shit. Seriously.

Scary toilet paper tubes!!!

This is an idea for Halloween from Pinterest. You save up paper towel and toilet paper rolls, cut eyes out and then put in a glow stick and put the thing in the bushes to make it look like eyes are staring at you out of the bushes. Scary and awesome.
After the pictures of how these are supposed to look are how mine look.
Hot damn. I never got past keeping garbage on my counter for a few months. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for not hoarding the garbage to not do this again next year. Small steps, people. Small steps!!!