Oh, God. What has happened to me?!?!

I have just visited the Honda website for the umpteenth time.  I am fantasizing about the new Odyssey.  I was thinking about what car we will get to replace our '03 CRV.  We were considering a bunch of cars, but when the new Odyssey came out and had 28 mpg highway, I was sold.  Why do I feel shame?

BTW...  I am going to be making some items super duper soon for some friends with brand new babies.  I know, poor them.

ugh shit

Welcome to Mt. Veclothius.  I have met my doom.  One would think that I haven't done laundry in at least a week and a half - well, I did Laundry on fucking Tuesday people.  Tuesday.

Guest Post - OK, Not really

My sister had a party a while back.  She made cheeseballs from a Martha Stewart recipe book.  The photo from the book....

















This is a photo of her cheeseballs.  (Clearly, she is better at making stuff than I am...)

Aren't they beautiful?  Well, after she tasted one she took them away.  She said that they tasted like shit - and that the goat cheese soaked up all of the olive oil.  Such a damn shame too.  They really were beautiful!
I kind of find that with most of Martha's recipes that they look better than they taste.  I guess she is kinda all about keeping up appearances, ala stepford wife.

Well, I might as well post it...

This happened a while ago....  I wasn't really making shit when it happened, but I thought I would share anyways....

Yes, I backed into my husband's car with my car.  (Crunch!) I have to say, it takes talent to do that.  Real talent.  My daughter was in my car when I hit his car.  She was like, "Stop!  Stop!  Did you just hit Daddy's car?"  Ahem, I did.  Yes I did.  shiiiiit.
Do you think that Martha ever did anything so dumb?!?  I mean, I'm sure that she would purposefully ram her husband's car if she had wanted to when they were married, but I can't imagine her just bumping into it on accident. Ooopsie!
Now we have replaced this Accord with a new one, so I don't feel so bad for wrecking ole hubby's car; but still!  (I think I even kinda kept going after the initial bump, because I couldn't believe that I had hit anything...)  Enjoy!  I hope I have made you all feel less bad about any stupid ass shit that you may have done lately, because it's taken me since June to feel not like a complete asshole over this one!  (okay, I still feel pretty asshole-ish, but whatevs!)

SIGH.... Goddammit!

Well - I made a diaper changing kit for a good friend who is having her baby very very soon.  I made the lovely changing pad - Nice and soft with terry cloth.  Nice and big to protect delicate fannies from disgusting changing tables!  The case is designed to carry the changing pad and some diapers and wipes and cream, etc.  Parts of it I liked.  I liked the fabric choices I made.  The main body of the case turned out pretty well. 

The ribbon part was a little, well, let's just say sloppy. 

But what fucking killed me was how I didn't notice how crooked the inside part was until I was completely finished with it.  I even sewed it not one  but TWO FUCKING TIMES - and I didn't notice how it was completely out of whack until after removing it and then resewing it

grrrr,  goddammit!

I suppose this means that I should actually measure the fabric instead of just eyeballing it.  I did use a ruler and a grid though when I cut the fabric.  Ugh.  Whatever.  So annoying.  It looks like a drunk person cut it - and no -  I'm not that "Mad Men" to drink in the afternoon while the kids are napping... 

...And this is why it's called GFY Martha

Why oh why did I spend so much of my twenties leafing through Martha Stewart Living?!  I still look through those pages with longing and admiration...  But I've picked up an unintended critic... that I can't seem to shake.
So - we've been pretty busy lately - good busy, mostly.  We've had family parties to attend in Illinois and Kentucky.  We've been over at friends houses to have dinner and to swim.  Mostly fun fun fun stuff.  We are about to leave on a not totally unexpected but not so fun trip to Wisconsin.  So why is it that my inner Martha won't stop nagging me about the stupid housework while I try to get us set up for another trip?

I hate you inner Martha.  You are the worst kind of bitch.  I know that you care that the towels are all matching and pristine and hanging just so.  Why can't clean and hanging up be enough for you, inner Martha?

I know the carpet is disgusting, but quit bitching at me about it! Hopefully no one will be in the house while we are gone - and if someone is, I doubt they would be the type to judge me for not having vacuumed this week!

Martha, it will all get done sometime!  Sheesh - It's not like we're putting the house on the market the day we get back!

(BTW - you all would be surprised how difficult it is to find pictures of Martha where she isn't smiling...  I would have thought with her reputation that you could have found at least a few pretty quickly!)

Pokey Rings... That are pretty ugly.

I made some little rings with the girl.   We got a free issue of Family Fun and saw this article and decided to try it. 

 I painstakingly cut out little flower forms from felt.  (Should I insert another f word here?) My color selection of felt was somewhat limited.   I got out my collection of buttons from every item of clothing that has come into the house in 9 years.  I ended up making the rings while she strung EVERY single button onto pipe cleaners.  She said they were book marks.  I like hers better.

Bookmark number 4.

The pipe cleaner bands on the rings are itchy and can be kind of dangerous - pokey metal and all.

Pottery Barn, How I love this Win!

So, you know how I was feeling all crappy about my storage in my sewing room?  Let me refresh your memory...  It is ugly, and it still is ugly.  It is $50 bucks worth of ugly - from Target.

But, at least I didn't pay $379 for it.

At Pottery Barn.  I suppose if I took some time to actually organize the contents and put stuff into good looking boxes, mine might look like $379, instead of looking like $50 or 50 cents. 

The 10 Minute T-Shirt Makeover - uh, it's that good!

I just need to rant a minute before I start.  I think that some bitches who crafty blog are setting up craftees like myself up for failure.  I think that they sometimes put in obtuse directions or wrong measurements on purpose.  I just had to get that out there.  Bitches.

Anyways, I promise to try to make my directions clear.

Here is the image from the t-shirt book.  I thought it would look okay - but I didn't want a boatneck, I wanted a v-neck.  (Boatnecks make me look BROAD - but if you are a tiny-topper, you may want to try a boatneck.)

Here is the T-Shirt before.  I got mine at Target for $2. 

Here are the directions from the book.

Here is how I did it.
  I laid out my T-shirt and then folded it in half on the floor.

Sorry, some of my pictures are blurry - but I am about as good at photos as I am at crafting.  Thank god for the freedom of digital to take 400 pics and keep the one that's decent.  (I was too lazy to take more than one of this.  Sorry.)

Cut off sleeves.  (Yes, both at once!  That way, they match!)  If you want to make the sleeve into a super cool hat - yes, this is the source!

Okay, this step may be odd.  I folded the T-shirt in half in a different way so that the front center of the T-shirt became the fold you see on the left and the back center of the t-shirt is the fold on the right.  I did this so that when I cut out the v-neck the back wasn't a v-neck too.  (Too Drafty!)  Also, some little people might take the cutting and turn into a dickey.  I NEVER thought that ANYONE in my immediate family would wear a dickey.  Needless to say, I haven't the heart to tell her that wearing a dickey isn't cool.  She's four.  Someday she'll figure it out.  (Should I say dickey again?  I can't believe an article of clothing is called a dickey, although it is kind of a fitting name for it.)

I guess that if anyone could soften my heart to wearing this article of clothing, it's her.  We went to Target and the library with her wearing it - which teenage me would have been horrified, but I thought was hilarious.

Then, as you can see, I did a super careful job cutting off the band at the bottom.  I cut the band into two equal pieces.  When I was deciding where to sew the pieces onto sides of the shirt I made sure to test it to find the smallest part around.  (What good would it do to hog tie my fat gut!)

I sewed the pieces on and VIOLA!  A project that took about 7 minutes and turned out pretty decent.

And unlike all those snooty bloggers, if you want to make this and then sell it - be my guest.  Even though I like it, I don't think I'd pay more than, hmmm, about $2 for it. (I think the shitty job I did cutting around the neckline is a cautionary tale.  Let it take 8 minutes, as opposed to 6.)

I Know Why People Gamble....

Hey!  I hope you are sitting...  I don't know why I tried another design from that horrid book - but I did.  (Okay, I probably tried again because I had a colored T-shirt that was pretty much useless, since I don't go to the gym.)
And it worked!  I really like my t-shirt creation.  I took my normal boxy t-shirt.  I folded it in half, so that it would be symmetrical.  I cut a v-neck and some feminine sleeves.  I cut just above the seam on the bottom.  I used the bottom strip, cut in half, sewed it onto the sides of my t-shirt and voila!  Something I would wear out of the house - AND something I won't beat myself up over if I spill bleach on it while cleaning!  The ever elusive 15 minute project that turns out right!  YAY!  I may even be forced to get ANOTHER t-shirt and do a tutorial!

The hat made from the sleeve is all icing, baby!  All icing!

99 Ways to Make a $2 T-shirt Look even Worse

I know, I know.  I shouldn't have tried another t-shirt project after the last one turned out so severely shitty.  You could say I am persistent.  You could say I am a glutton for punishment. 

I checked out a book from my library after the last t-shirt fiasco.  It's written by a bunch of Italian designers, and the idea behind it is to take a plain t-shirt and turn it into something that you would want to wear out of the house, and not to the gym.  (I should have remembered how our French exchange student interpreted the word "special.")

After flipping through the book I found the t-shirt re-design that looked easy enough for me to sew - and like it might have a somewhat attractive result.

Things started off okay!  I followed the directions and cut my t-shirt.

Well, of course, I was totally wrong.  However, in this case I don't think it was totally my fault.(I know that it is a poor workman who blames his tools, but if you have read my entries in this blog, well, you already know I am a poor workman!)  My old ass Singer machine sometimes decides that bobbin pressure is a silly, silly thing.

  Hello friend.  It looks like you and I will be having a long time together to bond.

 Then, I realized that one half of the stupid thing had folded over onto itself. 













Oh, hello friend.  It's been FAR too long!

 And I know you are waiting with baited breath.

Here is the result.

And I didn't think it looked half- bad.  But now, let's put it on, shall we?

WHAT THE HELL?!?!? 

Now I have something that cost $2, and that isn't even fit for the gym.  I don't know if I will be entering T-shirt crafts again.  I mean, I know that hilarity ensues, but REALLY. 

She got a wierd ass hat out of it.  (And so did I.)

By the way, your welcome for my keeping on my t-shirt while I tried on the fiasco.  You're very welcome.
(Is it your welcome or you're welcome? Someone who knows please post which it is...)

You Think You're so Smart, Lysol!

Oh Lysol. You really thought when I bought your touchless soap dispenser for $9.99 that every time I needed a refill I would be on the hook for $4.99.

Well, I've learned my lesson from my sonic toothbrush...
So, when I run out of soap, which is like every two minutes because you are under-generous with the sizing, I refill it my damn self. I use the medicine syringe from Walgreens as my funnel

and a big ole water syringe that we got in the ER for cleaning out cuts

to push my $1.98 a gallon refill soap into your fancy bottle.

It is a little jobby, but it feels so good to stick it to you, Lysol, that it is totally worth it.