99 Ways to Make a $2 T-shirt Look even Worse

I know, I know.  I shouldn't have tried another t-shirt project after the last one turned out so severely shitty.  You could say I am persistent.  You could say I am a glutton for punishment. 

I checked out a book from my library after the last t-shirt fiasco.  It's written by a bunch of Italian designers, and the idea behind it is to take a plain t-shirt and turn it into something that you would want to wear out of the house, and not to the gym.  (I should have remembered how our French exchange student interpreted the word "special.")

After flipping through the book I found the t-shirt re-design that looked easy enough for me to sew - and like it might have a somewhat attractive result.

Things started off okay!  I followed the directions and cut my t-shirt.

Well, of course, I was totally wrong.  However, in this case I don't think it was totally my fault.(I know that it is a poor workman who blames his tools, but if you have read my entries in this blog, well, you already know I am a poor workman!)  My old ass Singer machine sometimes decides that bobbin pressure is a silly, silly thing.

  Hello friend.  It looks like you and I will be having a long time together to bond.

 Then, I realized that one half of the stupid thing had folded over onto itself. 













Oh, hello friend.  It's been FAR too long!

 And I know you are waiting with baited breath.

Here is the result.

And I didn't think it looked half- bad.  But now, let's put it on, shall we?

WHAT THE HELL?!?!? 

Now I have something that cost $2, and that isn't even fit for the gym.  I don't know if I will be entering T-shirt crafts again.  I mean, I know that hilarity ensues, but REALLY. 

She got a wierd ass hat out of it.  (And so did I.)

By the way, your welcome for my keeping on my t-shirt while I tried on the fiasco.  You're very welcome.
(Is it your welcome or you're welcome? Someone who knows please post which it is...)

You Think You're so Smart, Lysol!

Oh Lysol. You really thought when I bought your touchless soap dispenser for $9.99 that every time I needed a refill I would be on the hook for $4.99.

Well, I've learned my lesson from my sonic toothbrush...
So, when I run out of soap, which is like every two minutes because you are under-generous with the sizing, I refill it my damn self. I use the medicine syringe from Walgreens as my funnel

and a big ole water syringe that we got in the ER for cleaning out cuts

to push my $1.98 a gallon refill soap into your fancy bottle.

It is a little jobby, but it feels so good to stick it to you, Lysol, that it is totally worth it.

Fucking Dress...

So I was over at MADE. I like that blog - and I wish that I was a patient as good ole Dana. She posted a tutorial about how to make a dress for your kid from a man's t-shirt. I thought it looked easy and fun.
I have no fucking patience and I HATE to iron. I have no business sewing ANYTHING, let alone a dress and without a pattern no less.

Well, here is her version of the t-shirt dress.

Here is mine...  The model is pretty cute - but she pretty much HATED the dress.  And yes, it hangs that crooked in real life.

and here are the brutal close ups to show what a shitty job I did.  They pretty much speak for themselves.

The good news is that I now will be trying to sew fun appliques onto plain ass walmart t-shirts for my kids. I think that may turn out better than this misadventure. I hate to tell you, but I learned so much from doing this, that I may have to try again.... I bet that now you feel a whole lot better about any craft project you have ever done. I read through the directions - but then I was trying to conserve printer paper, and just went by how I remembered them.  Plus, I NEVER iron my stuff - which may be why most of it turns out like shit.  Just be happy I've never made a dress for you.

Do You Have A Good Photo?

Do you have a good photo of yourself with your kids? You know, where everyone looks normal and happy and is looking in the same direction... I can't seem to get one. We tried...

and we tried...

and we tried....

and I gave up...

It's Craptastic!

I got the coolest little tin from Trader Joe's. It had chocolate in it, mmmm. I wanted to do something cool with the little tin. I thought glueing fabric to it would make it look really nice.

Up close, it looks like shit.

I even burned the s$#t out of my hand...

Have you ever used a recipe from Cook's magazine?



or a Cook's cookbook?

The recipes are tested and retested and retested to come up with the absolute pinnacle of flavor, etc. (If you've ever seen the show America's Test Kitchen, that is the same people...)
Christopher Kimball is the guy in charge.

These recipes used to be our absolute, hands down favorites. That is until we had kids... Because once you have kids, who has time to spend 3 hours preparing a meal? Joy of Cooking has been my go to book.

Anyways - I guess that I must have forgotten the truth about Cook's Illustrated when I found a recipe for a pork roast. I skimmed the recipe, thought it looked great and added it to the menu. I prepped the roast the night before, cutting tiny slits into it and loading the slits with cloves of garlic that had been tossed with herbs. I even gave the damn thing an herbal massage before wrapping a la saran for it's relaxing night in the fridge. It was a little jobby, but I thought it would be worth it.

The next day, I took out the roast and the recipe to begin to prepare dinner. The process began at 4 pm. I expected to be able to put dinner on the table around 5:30. I was wrong. Oh so wrong.
Get this - according to the recipe you put it in the oven for 30 minutes at a certain temperature, take it out for 30 minutes and then put it back in for 30 more at a different temperature, and then you let it rest for 15 after it's all done. At each step in the process you take it's temperature. (one can see with a clumsy cook and so many trips into and out of the oven why I ended up hearing my own hand frying on the roasting pan.)
Well, at 6:15 the roast was RAW, which if it were beef, I would be thrilled. But it's pork, and as much as I like to pretend intestinal worms would be okay - you know, so slimming - they really would not be.




SOOOO, I nuked it. And you know how a potato from the microwave is decidedly inferior to one that has been oven roasted. Yes, 2 and a half hours later - not counting the massage the night before, we had crappy microwaved meat. EW.


I don't think I will use a Cook's recipe again, although I may use the spice mixture. Joy of Cooking I am sorry I betrayed you. It totally wasn't worth it! Oh, Christopher Kimball, get that look off your face. It was a mistake!

GFY City Diner

We went to the circus with friends on Wednesday. It was a lot of fun. We went to city diner for lunch after. Thank goodness we were in good company, because I swear I would have murdered someone otherwise.
We waited for two and a half hours for our food. That's right TWO AND A HALF HOURS! Let me set the scene...
One lady with her four year old and her ten week old infant - she nursed that baby at the restaurant. (Very classy, with a cover and everything.)
One lady with her four year old and her ten month old - she nursed that baby and let her boob hang out for everyone to see at the restaurant. (OK, it was me... whatever!)
One lady with her four year old, and her six year old, and she is about 8 months pregnant.
The children were soooo good. Our little angels... When we finally got our food, they brought the little sweet angelic girls the most embarassing hot dogs.

At least we got everything for free... I was so hungry I was shaky. By the way, don't you think they would have wanted us out of there as fast as possible?!? I mean my boob was hanging out all over the pla... Wait a minute! No, no, of course that's not possible.

Decorating GFY Martha Style

Some people fantasize about celebrities. Some formulate the most delicious and nutritious lunch for their kids - ala hidden carrots Seinfeld. I just fantasize about how I would decorate my rooms if I had a limitless budget to use at Ballard Designs. (My sister Mel thinks that Ballard Designs has "the ugliest furniture in the world.")
Here is the fantasy



Here is the cost - not including paint and possibly a new rug...

Here is the result. It is a $50 closet organizer from Target. It works. It is not pretty, but I don't want to hurt its feelings, so I tell myself it is.

Oh, For the Love...

There are so very many oval stickers around here. Stuck on minivans... stuck on Tahoes... alongside monograms and family stick figures.
The monograms don't bother me...
The family stick figures don't bother me...

The oval stickers bother me. There is something about them that is so clubby, like if you have to ask what HH means, then clearly you are not in the loop of suburban cool. I guess that the origin was in Europe to tell what country your car was registered in... And then people got it to celebrate where they were from... Then jam band fans innocently adopted it... Now people plaster their cars with obtuse initials to celebrate where they have visited. I decided that we should make our own little obtuse set of initials to put on my car. Do you think that anyone will ask me where it's from?














I didn't make it - I just ordered it. That's why it looks "right."